Are We Ever Satisfied?

So there have been not many (okay maybe none) blog posts last week, as I started to write my new book in my free-time. I sometimes start a book, but tend to never finish them. At times like these, I have about 4 or 5 days of a complete blackout, where I only have the urge to write but do nothing else. I am, unfortunately, not in the position to do this as I have to go to work, actually do work (:-)), and be a „housewife” at home. And how quickly it comes, it goes as well. Poooff, the Muse has left. So now I am stuck with 30 pages, a sketch and a vague storyline. I really like the story though, it’s just the flow of all those thoughts and creative (and sometimes poetic) lines that stopped.

Instead, now I am also contemplating to try „drawing with the right side of the brain”.  I am a lefty, so adapting shouldn’t really take that long. So they say.

Seems like my creative side started shouting again to break out and conquer the world. It might do someday. If I will ever get consistent on things.

I used to draw and I used draw very well, but it was just gone as I reached 14 and never came back. That was the time when I started writing my first novel. I succeeded to write half of it, then handed it to my best friend to proofread. Haven’t seen it since then. She said it was great. As great as something written by a 14 year old can be.

I do know there are things I have to improve on. First should be, actually finding myself in something and stick to it. I want to write, then I want to draw. I want to do something creative, but creative things don’t always earn money and would require some talent people born with, not just imagine they have it. I also bought a ridiculously overpriced camera, as I thought it might be photography that completes me. I has not yet happened.

Meanwhile, I work as a writer and online marketing specialist at daytime, I am also finishing a Law course at the Uni. So what does that say about me?

Yes, correct. This person has no idea what to do with her life. I have ambitions and I really want to be more than what I am now. But I am not yet sure in which ways of life I want to be more. Most things would require talent, which I believe I have. In something. Until then, I only have the extreme adaptability and the fact that I learn a lot quicker than other people. We could call that a talent.

I have a job I love, a boyfriend who loves me, 3 cats, 20 fish, a nice car and a flat that’s half mine.  This could potentially make other people the happiest in the world, but I still think there is a field of life I have not achieved anything on. Now I only have to find out, what is missing.

Sounds easy. But in fact, when you have everything you wanted it gets harder to see what exactly making you feel you need to be more. When you don’t have enough money, you imagine it must be money, then. If you don’t have a car, all your problems become related to the fact that you want a car. So you put the things you need in order, and imagine how nice it would be to achieve them. Make a plan and see how it works out. Well, this has happened to me back in England. I really wanted a license and a car and it took me 3 years to achieve both. Oh, and I moved countries twice and this is my third job and relationship since then.

With this constantly changing environment there is always a need for something, that can cause the urge to achieve more. But mine is not this kind of urge. This is above these all. Which makes it more difficult to figure out… They say finding yourself is lifetime journey. But will it ever happen?

What if we already had it, and let it pass us?

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