I did give some thoughts to weddings this week, as my “ex-second-best-maid-of-honor-to-be-friend” just had her wedding. For a previously broke out argument on who-pays-what for our accidental council tax debt, we have not spoken for almost 3 years. Therefore I was not invited. It was still enough to start the flow.. 🙂
Anytime, someone close to me (or in this case used to be close to me) has a wedding, I myself play with the idea of getting married. What would I want for a ceremony, how would I want it to be? Will it be perfect? Will it be less? What do I expect out of it all?
It might have occurred to you, Dear Reader, that I am not even engaged. This is a tiny little unimportant thing that can be fixed. 😀 I am not worried about staying forever alone or not getting married. I am in a relationship since the 15th of July, 2011. (according to my boyfriends phone it is the 16th, but that can never be correct. Ever.) Well, these are the official dates. We were in love (or at least I was) long before that. The thing is, I have been in relationships before (I have even been engaged for about 2 years), some ended badly, some did not. In some I ruined it all, in some I got hurt. This is how life is. I never worried about staying alone. On the other hand, I lost most of my friends (who volunteered to take sides) on these. I think a relationship should stay between two people. I never understood why do friends have to take sides. If I think about it, I never really had a friend on my side, ever. If I messed up, they stood on the guys side, if I got hurt, they told me off for believing.
I mean, come on, mine must have not really been the wisest choices of friends (okay, and relationships, for that matter).
Or are we all like that? Overly judgmental? And of course do we have to prove how much better we can do? “Oh look, my relationship works and yours did not.” Or “look, your ex boyfriend loves me more than he loved you!”
Why do we have to prove right so badly?
I remember when my friend got cheated on. I did not tell her, that “ I told you” or “all men are like this” or “you must have been doing something wrong”. I just sat with her, as stunned and as heartbroken as she was.
When the guy came back, and wanted her back apologizing the stars down from the sky, I told her the options. Honestly. I told her I would probably go back, and there is no guarantee that the trust between them can be built again. This might drive her crazy in the long run. But if she can not live without him, that will surely drive her crazy, too. I did not say (more than twice) that the guy was a complete ass for doing this, I even helped him pick a nice engagement ring out for her. I think, that’s what friends are for. I’m sure I made some friendship mistakes, too, but I always tried to stay on a “side” where my feelings and my sense of justice pulled me. And of course: family first.
But that’s life, people make choices and judge you for not making the choice that benefits them the most. If you don’t want to pay their debt, introduce them to your ex, do everything so they can have a perfect relationship with your ex or anyone else, then you are indeed a bad friend.
Never have an opinion. An opinion is bad. Also, never mention money. And never ever try to help their relationship. Just stay out of it and make sure they stay out of yours, too. No advice needed, you can never give good advice. And while you are helping one, you are betraying the other. And at the end of it? You will be the one to blame, because it is easier for both of them. Easier than to admit who ruined it. If they need to find a third-party “ruiner” it will always be the one standing in the middle of it. But that is all for lessons learned and never needed advice giving, back to topic. 🙂
Maybe I can be a little judgmental sometimes, too. Anytime I check out a wedding I tend to rate things. Is the dress well-picked? Is the suit well-tailored? How is the venue?
And when I think of all these I imagine how mine would be. My vision of a perfect wedding is constantly changing still.
I think a wedding is only beautiful when all the small things fall into their places. When everything is in harmony. A wedding should be themed and the theme shall be followed. I think it is best to pick a leading color and organize things accordingly. Saying this, I mean everything. Let’s say the leading color is purple. Then the bride’s make up, a small piece or item on the grooms outfit and on the bride’s dress should be purple, too. The bridesmaid dresses and the decorations should be purple and harmonizing.
By the way, I would never ever save on decoration. You can have your wedding in the biggest and most beautiful castle if you have cheap or no decoration at all.
I have been to a few weddings, not that all my friends are married, but I used to work in a hotel where every weekend was wedding weekend, sometimes even 3 a day. So yes, I have seen a few. Still there were only two, that left the biggest impacts in me. They are very different, as one was a friend and relatives wedding and one I only knew about through social media.
What I learned: a good wedding is never a question of money. I have seen weddings where the venue was brilliant, the dresses and the food was overly expensive, still the musicians and the photographers were provided no food, the chairs were uncovered and dirty, and the decoration flowers were cheap and half dead. Why? I mean, having spent all that money…
A good example of a wedding not short on money but made right is this one. Everything is harmonizing and all the money seems well spent. The dress is absolutely gorgeous and the venue (bear in mind it is a tent!) has been decorated amazingly. Colors were chosen to represent wealth and highness, but it is still not over the top.
The other wedding I admire (and attended last year) is the one I call the most creative.
I first had doubts about the venue as it shares a name with a bar in Budapest and picturing that as a wedding was kind of disturbing. Turned out, this was the best chosen venue I have ever been to.
More photos can be found here.
The creativity they showed was amazing, still everything was organized. The little things were all in place and decoration was well set. Cards were hand written, which added a lot to it’s personality and they gave some very personal little gifts to every single guest who attended.
Image from Tromboneart
The other thing I never even thought of in terms of wedding schedule, but now is stuck in the back of my mind, is the day plan they had. Usually, weddings more or less consist of a little upfront gathering at the meeting place for the guests (whether it is the venue or it is somewhere else), civil ceremony, church, meal, party. Now, they had the meal quite late and had a little reception where only some nibbles and drinks were served, but gave the opportunity of networking a little, saying congratulations to the newlyweds and those who could not stay the whole night had an option to go home early. Also, if your “to be invited” list is a lot bigger than your purse, this can be a real lifesaver. You can invite all the cousins you have not seen in 10 years but they are family so they have to be there. Basically, no one feels left out and you don’t have to spend all the honeymoon money, either.
If you take an advice, there is one field I tend to call myself an expert on: meal service. I have catered for wedding meals for more than 2 years. Believe it or not, food is always the hardest part. Suddenly everyone is allergic to everything, and can not have this or that… In many cases “I don’t like mushroom” suddenly translates to “I am allergic to mushroom”. To avoid this, it is better to ask about meal allergies before presenting any food options and always make sure there is a vegetarian and a dairy free option as well. If those are in, usually gluten free eaters will find something to eat, too. In serious cases, a completely new meal can be required, but never offer that option beforehand. If you state food allergy sufferers will have a meal of their choice, you will end up paying for extra food for half of the party.
And finally there is one question I, myself, did not get around answering: should there be a wedding video or only pictures? There are pros and cons on both sides. A video gives back a lot more memories than a photo does, but of course a footage of a whole wedding must be spontaneous, and can not be set all the time. This can result in having those parts recorded of the party you don’t quite want to keep forever. The camera will record the imperfections as well (even though it will be edited to taste), and there will surely be some drunk relative or friend who will give a 4 minutes long marriage advice or speech, while has been divorced twice.
The thing about photos is that they capture moments. If your photographer is good – perfect moments. All the “video footage” will be in your head, and as we all know memories get more and more beautiful as time passes. They fade, too.
I am still contemplating.
While I feel like having a video like the one below would be great, I would not want a whole night video. This, however, can change tomorrow. Or today. Maybe I want it already. Do I?
Life with the Cats 